Tackling the Wrong Problem… Can It Work?

I’m still listening for God to tell me what to put down. I’ve been thinking “pride” because of my sorrow when I am not recognized. Today walking the two miles to Roundtable I realized that I want to be noticed in my leadership role, but when I am not I don’t feel proud as much as I do ashamed. It’s a bit complicated. You see, I have equated leadership with charisma. I want to do things that add “good” to life and I think I must be in a leadership role to do that. Since I have believed that real leaders attract followers like flies, then when the followers don’t follow or acclaim doesn’t cling to me, I feel ashamed. “I am not being a leader.”

I know some principals that are truly charismatic. Some of my Leadership classmates are. They love being on the stage, planning the party, joshing with everybody. I think, “I oughta do that. I’m a leader; why aren’t I acting like that?” But now I see that I’m equating “leader” with “charismatic” which often involves being sanguine. Sanguine I am not. I don’t actually want to be the life of the party, yet I have thought that I should be. Aside from that I have full confidence in my ability to do good things. I find it much more rewarding when a person writes to tell me that my life has improved theirs than when I am hauled up on stage to receive applause or awards.

Suddenly a bit of history strikes me: We used to revere the “director” type of leader, the “man with the plan.” Let’s get things done. It was a modern world, and we were focused on progress. Now we want the “relator” type of leader, the empathic person. Let’s just get along. It’s the postmodern world, and we are focused on comfort. Maybe there are fads in leadership style. Does it matter if my style is not in vogue? I don’t even need to know if it ever will be.

What intrigues me is this question: If my discomfort has come from being ashamed for not meeting a false image of who I should be, yet I misread those emotions as pride… could I effect the needed changes in my life by trying to become more humble? It might work to release the feelings of disappointment as being pride and then turning away from them. Perhaps we often do mislabel our deficits and work on them with the wrong tools. And maybe that works enough of the time for us to go on and give semi-helpful advice to others. But wouldn’t it be better for me to recognize the feelings as shame and say, “Hey wait! I’m not trying to be that kind of a leader,” and then turn back to the things I know I’m good at? Wouldn’t that strike closer to the root of the disappointment and more easily redirect my focus to whatever I should do next?

In the meantime, I think, “Yes, I have been leading, and I have loved and been loved by those who worked with me. And I did it in my own skin. That’s enough.” I vowed to quit feeling bad about not being a personality I really don’t want to be. I love sanguines and charismatics, just as I love gazelles, but I don’t aspire to be them. Instead, I want to trust in the talents He gave me. If they are good for leading somewhere, He’ll make sure I end up there. If they are better suited to something else, I’ll gladly go there. I can quit thinking of leadership and simply be whatever He wants in the moment.