Who Am I, Period?

Here I am on an early Sabbath walk down Mojonnier. (The photo above is not from Mojonnier, but it is one of my other favorite places, and it carries the mood of that day.) I’m back in College Place. Israel lies behind and so does my 32 years of Adventist education leadership. I’m ruminating on what lies ahead. John Deming’s brother told him to be ready for a sobering discovery: “Once you retire you will find that people’s relationships with you were based on you as a position, not as a person.” That seemed intuitive to me, and here we are, John and I, both being decommissioned at the same time. He will stay in a community that at least remembers what he has done, but I will disappear from even that kind of public knowledge. What will be left? Is even my own knowledge of me based on the positions I have held? What will I see in me when I have no role to fill?

As a child of the hippy generation I am no stranger to the quest to “find myself.” I should be good at this, but how long will it take, and what tools are to be used in discovering one’s “self?” If I begin by stripping away all the work requirements, all the community’s expectations, all the Church’s assumptions of orthodoxy in doctrine and lifestyle, then perhaps I can hear a more genuine voice of mine. Who am I when all that is removed? What is the raw essence from which I am built? For this moment I will even strip away the three remaining constants in my life: my wife, my family, and my God. Yes, that naked. Who am I with no relationships at all? Will this be a year-long journey of discovering the essential me?

Certainly this writing is more quickly read than it was considered and written, but even so, I was surprised at how fast I arrived at a working answer! There will not be a year of discovery. After a relatively brief reflection I know the answer to “Who am I?” The answer comes in two levels and one surrender. One level is deeply disappointing, the other is more hopeful. And the surrender was surprisingly quick and painless, and it left me with a far better question.

Level One: Stripped of all expectations from work, community, Church, and family what is left is appetite. Surprise. I have urges, desires, things I would like to consume or collect. Quite really I want to eat what I want to eat. I want the power to do whatever I want anytime I want. I want enough wealth to be untroubled by shortage. I want to touch whatever my hand finds enjoyable. I want no worries, no disease, no demands, no despair. I prefer ease, delight, and freedom from consequence. In short, I want it to be “all about me.” I want to be the King of Everything, and I want whatever does not please me to simply cease to exist.

This is profoundly disappointing, because I know enough about reality to understand that a life of unrestricted pleasure, ease, and power is unattainable. Even if it were attainable it would not be sustainable. Furthermore, I have no attraction to the narcissists who pursue these. But that’s who I am freed of all responsibilities or expectations. Call it depravity. Call it original sin.

Level Two: A totally self-centered life is ugly whether I see it in someone else or in me. I know the universe cannot be composed of isolated and independent despots. If it were composed of all consumers and no producers, it would end like a teeming hospital nursery abandoned by medical staff and parents; a time of screaming, a time of whimpering, then silence. I know that the highest fulfillment comes in the give-and-take of conscious beings making a place for each other. On a level deeper than desire, I look for meaning, for health, for sustainable life. Call it a thirst for righteousness. Call it the image of God.

So one answer to “Who am I if freed from all responsibility?” is, “A bottomless pit of self-centeredness.” But another answer is, “A transcendent soul.” Which is really “me?” How can I sneak around behind the various things I can desire in order to catch that part of me that is doing the desiring? How can I see the part of me that sees? It’s like trying to see the side of my eye in the mirror. Whenever I stare into the mirror, I see only the familiar iris. When I roll my eye to the side, I can no longer see any of it. (Note: for purposes of this metaphor, no fair using two mirrors! Also note that philosophically I have not been able to find that second mirror unless I rely on the theories or theologies of others.)

A Surprising Surrender: During a mercifully short rumination it occurred to me that the best answer to “Who am I?” is “A mystery.” That suddenly provided familiar ground, and it was easy for me to surrender the pursuit for a more explicit answer. The ground is familiar because I have run into the same opacity in trying to know the nature of God. He has revealed some things to us and kept others to Himself. Trying to wedge our way into His most hidden and holy place is to pursue our own insanity. People who “know the hidden mysteries of God” are not to be trusted. Ditto if they claim to know the deep secrets of who I am.

I know what was revealed in the public life of Jesus, and like the wind I can sense the moving of the Holy Spirit. But when it comes to plumbing the depths of the great “I AM” I have to stop in reverence and simply accept that “HE IS.” So, being made in His image I can know what is revealed in my physical acts, and I can sense the stirrings of my spirit. But when it comes to plumbing the depths of what I am, that knowledge is left to God. He has managed the sole ownership of knowledge about Himself throughout eternity without my help. I will trust Him to manage the speck of knowledge about the “true” me also without my help. He designed me not to know Him on that deepest level. Perhaps I am also designed not to know me as deeply as God does. That’s an easy surrender, an easy freedom. Whew! Question dismissed.

A Better Question: So what I really want to know is “What do I value?” What things are most important to me? They are what will drive my choices. So, in this coming year free of employers’ demands and free of constituents’ expectations I will be attentive to what I most value. What are those things that under the grace of God I most cherish? They will determine the steps I take in this walk.